You end up doubting yourself frequently as an RA, especially one where your residents are daily seeking you out. I wanted apartments, have I ever told you that? I really wanted to be an RA in the apartments, where I could be a grown-up, have my own bathroom, oven, stove, refrigerator, washer, dryer, life… Pretty much had it all planned out where RA could fit smoothly into my difficult classes this year, because my residents would be in their twenties, and able to handle most issues on their own.

But hey, here I am, not doing well in my classes, questioning the decisions I make, and having girls refuse to speak to me out of frustration. I’ve begun to realize that there are tough calls that have to be made, that are going to leave one party upset either way that I go. Praise the Lord I have a roommate that lets me vent and process what is going on, and a staff that is encouraging while still going through the same stuff as I am.

Holding through til Thanksgiving. Come fast.

What a powerful tool He has given us, the ability to speak to each other in honest conversation. My role as an RA this year is so relational, and involves so many conversations, that He has really shown me how constructive and how destructive my tongue can be. I was blessed to be able to travel home for the weekend three weeks ago, and have great conversations with a few very important characters in my life. As He did that weekend, God has chosen to speak into my life through the people He has placed in it. That truth makes me so hopeful that perhaps He can speak through me this year.

I have 46 new relationships with freshmen girls, relationships that are so hard to define because you have to be mother-like and sister-like at the same time. But I also have so many new friendships around campus that go deeper than any friendships I had last year. God has shown such grace in surrounding me with men and women that primarily want to glorify Him, at a time when I was so unsure if I was on this campus for the right reasons.

I pray that He speaks through me in those relationships; in those early morning conversations on rigorous walks, in chats over dinner, in talking while splayed out under the Christmas lights adorning my room. I pray that He is in every whisper shared during chapel, every late night talk on the lawn, and every difficult pause between words that I know will wound someone I care about. That’s all we can ask, right? That He shape our tongues and be in each word. Join me in praying that He just do that in our conversations.

The past six months have been a time similar to the time period when I began this blog; a place of pain, rejection, and despair. Slowly that time period eased into a time of re-definition in Christ, and the beginning of the steps of healing. While this blog was so crucial in that healing process the first time around, it has been being disconnected from the internet and outside world that has helped with the healing this time through. At the end of May, I deactivated my Facebook page, and kept it deactivated until the end of August. I barely blogged, but I did tweet and instagram like crazy… not sure why. I needed to detach from what was going on outside of my immediate vicinity; it was too much stress to be worried about what was going on outside of San Mateo. My summer was such a blessing, made up of time with my family, time with my friends, growing alongside my little church, working 40 hour weeks, a trip to Ireland, and asking God to prepare me emotionally and spiritually for this school year.

God was faithful to use this past summer to prepare me for this semester and year. I had an overwhelming sense of inadequacy when I thought about being an RA for freshman girls. I was overrun with thoughts that I was in no place to minister to young women, when I myself was still in pieces. God gradually encouraged me with the truth that on my own I am inadequate for this position, but that with His wisdom and guidance, He would make me adequate. Not only would He make me adequate, but He would minister to these young ladies through me. It was on my forty-eight hour solo at Lake Rutherford in the Ansel Adams Wilderness, that God truly revealed to me what this year needed to look like: constant surrender to Him of my hopes, fears, and will. I knew then that the only way this year was going to work, would be through waking up every morning and surrendering to the Father. In that surrender, He would lead me to choose joy, to be secure in His timing, and to lead the girls on my hall.

Along with that truth, He surrounded me with young women and men that affirm me and look out for me. I have met more people in the past two months on campus than I did throughout all of last school year. He has given me a wonderful roommate that is willing to live as a role model for my residents, and she knows when to tell me to close the dorm door and mentally sign off for the night. God has placed so many gifts of grace in my life the last two months, and He has made this year so much easier to face. It has been and will be far from easy, and day by day I struggle with feelings of inadequacy and failure that creep in.

Even though He has gifted me with the comfort that He will be alongside me for the difficult times, I still had some legitimate fears about things that may arise this year. I was not afraid to handle roommate disagreements, curfew breaks, or policy violations; I was even excited to have the deeper theological discussions that may occasionally arise. (Trust me, those have been fun.) The one thing I was so afraid of was dealing with break-ups, and as I met my residents and met all their boyfriends at home via Skype, that fear increased exponentially. These girls are 18 years old, freshmen in college, and many of them are doing a long distance relationship for the first time. Inevitably, there would be some breakups. So when a beautiful girl came into my room, leaned against the wall, and slid down to the floor with her face in her hands and tears streaming down her cheeks, I was terrified.

Even though its been six months, it feels like two weeks ago that I was feeling the same pangs of rejection, inadequacy, and pain. I knew what she was going through; a sense that you are not good enough, that you are not pretty enough, that you’re not what he wants. I was positive that I would not be able to help her. I asked God, how can I guide her through this when this is me right now? I could relate, because I still struggle with those exact feelings, but what good was having a pity party for the both of us going to be? Not good at all. Of course, He gave me the words, the Scripture, and the empathy to walk her through that first night and the weeks that followed; the weeks that are still following.

It was that night less than a couple weeks ago that God refined what He had taught me in the wilderness almost two months ago. Yes I needed to wake up every morning and surrender to Him, but He was not going to make this an easy path or year for me. It is clear to me now that I am going to be suffering and enduring a lot alongside these girls this year. But it is in that suffering and pain that He will show me my need for Him, and those that see their need for Jesus, are able to lead others in Jesus’ name.

It is going to be a far from easy year, but I am already seeing such purpose in it. I have moments of extreme loneliness and doubt, times where I still feel unwanted. I still struggle with letting go of people’s words, and have a hard time convincing myself that I’m not a burden to those around me. Some days and nights are much more difficult than others, but He has sustained me through them all. He has placed me at this university, He has placed me on this staff, and He has placed me on this hall with these girls. He has made me single, He has given me free time to be intentional with, and He has shown me that there is so much purpose in this time.

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth. Let him sit alone in silence when it is laid on him; let him put his mouth in the dust – there may yet be hope; let him give his cheek to the one who strikes, and let him be filled with insults. For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men.” Lamentations 3:22-33

Home

Forty-eight hours ago I was just pulling into Azusa, CA, ready to unpack my far-too-full car. Since then, I met back up with my staff after the summer apart, went to a wonderful and cute dinner on Shire Lawn with all of ResLife, then spent the night catching up with Chelsea, Josh, Carissa, Eryn, Anneke, Morgan, Katie, Natalie, and one of the Pauls. We all dispersed to our rooms, bonding over the creepiness of sleeping in an empty dorm building where all the doors to each room sit propped open just waiting for freshmen bodies.

Centerpieces

Welcome back dinner.

The next morning we all met for an early breakfast, marveling over all the changes to Cougar Walk and the new food places, and proceeded to the Cougar Dome. We met as a whole, and the president of the school talked with us and prayed for us as we began preparing for Walkabout. The boys then left us for our gender-specific talks (let me tell you, backpacking is intricate…) and when they came back we found out our teams! And I pretty much love mine. We’ll see eleven days from now… Just kidding, pretty sure they will still be awesome. We then began to rotate through various stations all over campus that educated us on the basics of backpacking, and what we needed to know about lighting camp burners, pumping water, orienteering (yeah, that’s not gonna go well), getting fitted for packs (thanks Matt! he let me borrow his!), etc. After having lunch in our teams, we were free for the day to go shopping. And let me tell you, APU took over Walmart, Target, REI… You couldn’t go to a store without running into 50 people with their Walkabout shopping lists.

Being prayed for by JW.

Learning to use camp stoves.

Learning orienteering. (Clearly I was really paying attention…)

Later we had dinner in the caf (that’s three meals in the caf for me yesterday, and two today; the most I have ever eaten in there) with my RD, his wife, adorable baby, and new friends. We then spent the whole evening preparing our stuff and making duct tape bags (erg…), to bring it all this morning for a packing party! This morning we met, had a talk, and spent some time in worship and “surrendering our summers”. The ResLife theme for this year is Choose Joy, which I find really cool because that was a large theme for me in this past summer, or at least an attempt. I don’t know how good I am at choosing joy, but I hope that this year I can learn to choose joy because of the cross; Christ paid it all. After worship, we broke into our teams, and went through all of our food for the trip. The food is provided for us by ResLife, and it is a ridiculous amount of stuff. Then, all of our bags had to be approved, including all of the items in them, and then all of the food needed to be put in bear cans and stuff sacks to be tied up in the trees during the night. Then, all that food had to make it into our packs. Finally, our packs were complete, and we put them on and walked a bit. It’s going to be a long heavy week, believe you me. Today a group of us went and did some more last minute shopping, basically buying out REI and Target. The rest of today is ours to do what we want with it, especially unpack our rooms and rest. We meet tomorrow morning at 5 AM, right outside my building actually, to load up into our vans and drive up to the Ansel Adams Wilderness! We will then spend 9 days in the wilderness, with 48 hours in the middle completely alone for a time of reflection and solitude before God. The last two days of the trip, we hike back out to Soquel Ranch for two nights as a whole group. All ten teams will be on separate trails to separate final destinations, so we won’t be encountering any other groups out there. My team is composed of 9 RAs from all over campus (6 girls and 3 boys) and 4 leaders (one medic, and 3 guides). Our medic is a girl that works up at the APU High Sierra campus, and our leaders are Tyler (a CA from last year who just graduated in May), Ronnie (an RD in the Mods), and Bryan. Bryan is Jon Wallaces  (the president) best friend, who he backpacks with. We have come to call him Uncle Bry, and he reminds us a lot of Bear Grylls. He has awesome stories, including one where he woke up one morning and a grizzly was standing directly above him, and last Walkabout he spent a day when everyone was on Solo, tracking a deer. He. Is. Crazy. And makes me feel a lot safer and more comfortable about going. If possible, be praying for my physical body, that I’d stay safe and do fine adjusting to the altitude (we’ll start at 8500 ft and head up to between 10 and 11K) and with the rigors of hiking. You can also be praying for my ability to leave all my concerns here on campus, and be able to spend time quiet before God and surrendering to Him. I will see you all soon! I hope.

*my moms surgery went well this morning, pray now (if possible) for pain management and a speedy recovery. 4 months is a long time to be out of commission. It’s hard to leave and my mom still be in the hospital, but I don’t choose the timing of these things. Thank you for the love and prayers!

Let me introduce you to the beauty that is “the tire swing”. This baby can be thrown up by my outdoorsy Canadian friend Dane in about 5 minutes, and can entertain campers/staff/LITs for hours. I’ve spent many hours this summer swinging to and fro and pondering life with new friends.

My beautiful bud Betsy celebrated her 23rd birthday a couple of weeks ago, and we and her coworkers surprised her with ice skating! And the creepy zamboni driver surprised her by saying she could ride the zamboni for her birthday. She looks excited, but trust me, it was a long and awkward ride…

Pretty pretty orange lights wrapped around the palm trees outside of AT&T Park. Lots of Giants games have been attended this summer!

In fact, you can combine the last two pictures (Betsy + Giants games) and get the above image!

One Saturday, we hit up the Renegade Craft Fair at Fort Mason in San Francisco. It was artsy meets weird.

Earlier that same Satuday, Kim and I joined Betsy and the whole PCC summer staff on the Duck Tour of San Francisco. It included a lot of loud music, dancing, a tour of the city, and a jaunt into the bay. Here is a shot of the Bay Bridge from the water.

Christina and I biked to work one morning (to be repeated tomorrow morning) and treated ourselves to some iced venti vanilla soy light ice chais upon arrival at Peninsula Ave. It rained that morning unfortunately, but it looks like sunny skies for tomorrow!

We also then biked IN the building…

On one Thursday evening, Laura and I embarked on a dessert crawl through downtown San Mateo. This shot marked the beginning of our voyage, with Funfetti gelato at Sweet Orchid. The crawl was completed with many more stops at various Asian dessert locations.

My BEST friend Kim has a new s’more maker that she found for $5! She had already tested it out, but we gave it a good test last Saturday morning before I embarked on some serious crafting. Along with the s’mores, we had some decaf herbal teas.

Above are a few of the things I began that Saturday and finished that Sunday. The left three are mason jars that I spray-painted and then potted with flowers, and the right mason jar is a desert terrarium that I am really excited about!

Patrick Tucker, whose claim to fame is that he has known me since I was three years old, had a baby! Well, his lovely wife Emily had a baby, but still… Her name is Hayden Elizabeth and she is so fun! Above was the day after she was born, and I saw her two days ago again and she is a beauty!

Later that same day, we replaced Chipotle Sunday with Sonic Sunday, because there is a new Sonic in Hayward! We spent over 80 dollars. It was ridiculous(ly good).

Last Saturday, I had a great evening with some old(er) friends, a couple of whom I don’t get to see often. We went to a great taco place, and everyone but me was able to order alcohol but I had to settle for a Mexican Coke. I thought I may as well try my hardest to make it look like theirs…

Last Tuesday I went to a Mat Kearney and Owl City concert at the Warfield in San Francisco with Jessica, Dave, Val, Mark, and Bryan. So basically a triple date, but I was the youngest by about 15 years. I tried to get them to love Owl City, but he just was not great live. So, we bounced about 4 songs into his set, and began walking back to our car. On the way, we happened to run into Mat Kearney. The above picture is me jumping for joy after meeting him. He. Is. Great.

Head over to Jessica’s blog to see a full recount of us meeting Mat.

http://keepupwiththejohnsons.com/2011/07/hey-mat/

And so begins the long string of Instas that pertain to camp. Enjoy!

Kite flying with Earth Explorers.

One of my favorite campers from last week on the tire swing.

Building rock towers at the beach.

I don’t understand why this picture is smaller, but… That’s Max and Dane getting all Matrix-y. Silly boys. (They’re my favorites. Shh.)

Super muddy camper at in the marsh.

We have all become addicted to T Pumps, a new bubble tea place on 1st and B Street in San Mateo. It is pretty fantastic, and last week I got a huge stuffed panda after buying 10 drinks! Taking everyone’s orders has its perks!

Lastly, on our way to a staff dinner at Celia’s. We were also riding in Dane’s bright blue Volvo, which made us pretty much just a large blue mass.

We have been doing a lot of fun things as a whole staff recently, including dinners at Celia’s, Pizza My Heart, game nights, movie nights, an adventure at House of Air in the Presidio (this awesome trampoline place), and soon Laser Tag. This only makes it harder to accept that I am headed back to Azusa next Friday. I will miss the guys and gals I work with! I wish I was there for the last 2 weeks of summer with them.

But, duty calls… Literally.

Gotta get used to spending my nights on RA duty instead of going to bed early to prepare for long fun days biking to work and playing around!

]]> http://soshewaits.wordpress.com/2011/07/26/instaforever/feed/ 1 soshewaits IMG_2545 IMG_0631 IMG_9751 IMG_4827 IMG_4390 IMG_0217 IMG_9168 IMG_8415 IMG_8092 IMG_7855 IMG_2181 IMG_5940 IMG_7827 IMG_3243 IMG_1894 IMG_6980 IMG_5429 IMG_3719 IMG_2615 IMG_2423 IMG_1658 IMG_1682 http://soshewaits.wordpress.com/2011/07/21/today-is-just-today/ http://soshewaits.wordpress.com/2011/07/21/today-is-just-today/#comments Fri, 22 Jul 2011 05:38:42 +0000 soshewaits http://soshewaits.wordpress.com/?p=400 ]]>

During my trip to Ireland a couple weeks ago, I was fortunate enough, once I was able to get out of bed, to escape away on some pretty awesome walks up the countryside. Occasionally I remembered to bring my camera, so I got to capture some pictures like the one above. Thankfully I always remembered to bring my journal and Bible, and was able to spend some sweet time in surrender before the Creator of such a gorgeous landscape. I treasure those moments, and although I love spending time with family I don’t see often, reminiscing and catching up on what we’ve missed in each others lives, it is those quiet times up the Black Road and down by Lough Allen that will stick in my memory for years to come. Plus, the pictures and journal entries help to document the spiritual realities that God made real.

I freak out about dates, I really do. Not dates, but dates, like the ones on a calendar. I have the memory of an elephant (usually), and can remember dates from years and years back that I really should forget. Honestly, for my own health and well-being I should really forget the painful dates that I remember. For weeks months I have been psyching myself out about today, thinking that it would be among the most painful of days in my young life thus far. It wasn’t something I was consciously doing, but rather I would occasionally remember that day in July and just shove that memory back into the billionth layer of my intricate memory.

Through honestly sweet quiet times in the dark mornings and light evenings of San Mateo, reading Scripture and writing while sprawled out in the green fields of Country Leitrim, encouraging conversations with friends who know much about the character of the faithful God we serve, and walking through a very trying time period with my family, God has turned today into a drop in the ocean that is the rest of my life. He has shown me how to love and forgive, and to mold each and every day around Him. He has given me new perspective of the cross, and revealed to me just how much I still think I can do this life on my own.

I am nothing without Christ, and all of my relationships need to reflect that truth.

I’m thankful for today, and the pleasant memories that it brought to mind. It has been hard to come to understand this, but the last two years were not pointless. They are a crucial piece of my present and my future. Thank you, Jesus.

“O praise the one who paid my debt, and raised this life up from the dead…”

Training started. Met and reconnected with some awesome people. Learned to handle lots of wild animals, and how to run a camp that teaches various ages to become animal keepers. Two weeks later, camp began. Two weeks later, I became deathly ill. And my whole family had already left the country. I was diagnosed with strep, had lots of blood taken, was told there is something funky with my liver, and had an EKG done to analyze my tachycardic heart. The results came back confused, but I was told I would be okay to fly. I began one antibiotic, and then was switched to another that made me nauseous for 3 hours every evening. Like, incapacitatedly nauseous. I went to Ireland for ten days, eventually recovered from the deathly illness, and had the best trip I can remember. I came back, and had the worst jet lag to date, taking over four days to recover. Work began again, and one week later here we are.

I’m alive, I’m well, and God has been faithful to heal me physically. Not only has He knit back together my ragged throat, calmed my tachy heart, and given me back the physical energy to get back to work, He has also helped me to choose joy this summer.

Also, not having a Facebook has really helped, so… I suggest it, if you ever need to de-stress and re-focus on Christ.

In my new position… You want to have a snack? You got it! You open and close that reusable container as many times as your heart desires, little guy! Thirsty? Need a sip of some properly chilled and filtered Burlingame water from that far-too-expensive reusable water bottle? Pop that top, buddy! It’s all you! What’s that? Gotta pee? Run along, you know where the restrooms are located!

I can finally spend more time on educating children on the planet and the animals it contains, and less time consoling and disciplining kids, many of whom have yet to attend preschool and learn the real rules of the road. But, I can’t deny that there definitely be a few times where I breakdown and sneak across the museum to snag a hug from a little Coyote Pup Growing Scientist that I had last year. Because lets face it, the best hugs are the ones you have to get down on your knees to receive.

In summary: I have a new job position. I will leave most of the details to be disclosed over the weeks to come as this blog u-turns from a pity party for my single self, to a diary of the chronicles of science camp. But, I’ll tell you this: I am undergoing training for animal handling, and will be performing a whole lot more dissecting than I could have imagined. I spent the past semester dissecting humans, so why not spend the summer dissecting animals? (Raise your hand if you hate the word dissecting!) Also, I’ll be working with a variety of age groups, up through 8th graders (drama). Could. Get. Spicy.

But there may be one kryptonite throughout this summer, lurking in weeks 1, 4, and 9…

Kindergarteners.