Over the last few months I’ve found myself sitting down to type out a blog post, and five minutes in, not being able to write any further. I have tried hard to compose something that portrays where my life is at these days, and every time I try, I eventually have to embrace the fact that it can’t be put into words. When I began this blog, I promised myself that it would be a brutally honest view into what is going on in my life. I began this in a time of hurting and discouragement, and this blog became an outlet for me. It was a place that allowed me to slowly process and walk through what God had for me at that time period.
The past six months have been a time similar to the time period when I began this blog; a place of pain, rejection, and despair. Slowly that time period eased into a time of re-definition in Christ, and the beginning of the steps of healing. While this blog was so crucial in that healing process the first time around, it has been being disconnected from the internet and outside world that has helped with the healing this time through. At the end of May, I deactivated my Facebook page, and kept it deactivated until the end of August. I barely blogged, but I did tweet and instagram like crazy… not sure why. I needed to detach from what was going on outside of my immediate vicinity; it was too much stress to be worried about what was going on outside of San Mateo. My summer was such a blessing, made up of time with my family, time with my friends, growing alongside my little church, working 40 hour weeks, a trip to Ireland, and asking God to prepare me emotionally and spiritually for this school year.
God was faithful to use this past summer to prepare me for this semester and year. I had an overwhelming sense of inadequacy when I thought about being an RA for freshman girls. I was overrun with thoughts that I was in no place to minister to young women, when I myself was still in pieces. God gradually encouraged me with the truth that on my own I am inadequate for this position, but that with His wisdom and guidance, He would make me adequate. Not only would He make me adequate, but He would minister to these young ladies through me. It was on my forty-eight hour solo at Lake Rutherford in the Ansel Adams Wilderness, that God truly revealed to me what this year needed to look like: constant surrender to Him of my hopes, fears, and will. I knew then that the only way this year was going to work, would be through waking up every morning and surrendering to the Father. In that surrender, He would lead me to choose joy, to be secure in His timing, and to lead the girls on my hall.
Along with that truth, He surrounded me with young women and men that affirm me and look out for me. I have met more people in the past two months on campus than I did throughout all of last school year. He has given me a wonderful roommate that is willing to live as a role model for my residents, and she knows when to tell me to close the dorm door and mentally sign off for the night. God has placed so many gifts of grace in my life the last two months, and He has made this year so much easier to face. It has been and will be far from easy, and day by day I struggle with feelings of inadequacy and failure that creep in.
Even though He has gifted me with the comfort that He will be alongside me for the difficult times, I still had some legitimate fears about things that may arise this year. I was not afraid to handle roommate disagreements, curfew breaks, or policy violations; I was even excited to have the deeper theological discussions that may occasionally arise. (Trust me, those have been fun.) The one thing I was so afraid of was dealing with break-ups, and as I met my residents and met all their boyfriends at home via Skype, that fear increased exponentially. These girls are 18 years old, freshmen in college, and many of them are doing a long distance relationship for the first time. Inevitably, there would be some breakups. So when a beautiful girl came into my room, leaned against the wall, and slid down to the floor with her face in her hands and tears streaming down her cheeks, I was terrified.
Even though its been six months, it feels like two weeks ago that I was feeling the same pangs of rejection, inadequacy, and pain. I knew what she was going through; a sense that you are not good enough, that you are not pretty enough, that you’re not what he wants. I was positive that I would not be able to help her. I asked God, how can I guide her through this when this is me right now? I could relate, because I still struggle with those exact feelings, but what good was having a pity party for the both of us going to be? Not good at all. Of course, He gave me the words, the Scripture, and the empathy to walk her through that first night and the weeks that followed; the weeks that are still following.
It was that night less than a couple weeks ago that God refined what He had taught me in the wilderness almost two months ago. Yes I needed to wake up every morning and surrender to Him, but He was not going to make this an easy path or year for me. It is clear to me now that I am going to be suffering and enduring a lot alongside these girls this year. But it is in that suffering and pain that He will show me my need for Him, and those that see their need for Jesus, are able to lead others in Jesus’ name.
It is going to be a far from easy year, but I am already seeing such purpose in it. I have moments of extreme loneliness and doubt, times where I still feel unwanted. I still struggle with letting go of people’s words, and have a hard time convincing myself that I’m not a burden to those around me. Some days and nights are much more difficult than others, but He has sustained me through them all. He has placed me at this university, He has placed me on this staff, and He has placed me on this hall with these girls. He has made me single, He has given me free time to be intentional with, and He has shown me that there is so much purpose in this time.
“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth. Let him sit alone in silence when it is laid on him; let him put his mouth in the dust – there may yet be hope; let him give his cheek to the one who strikes, and let him be filled with insults. For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men.” Lamentations 3:22-33
great post marge.
it’s exciting to see (and know) what God has been preparing you for all these crazy months.
AND – to remember that in every one thing, he is doing a million things (thank you John Piper).
He wont waste your hurt.
Love you girl!